Posted by: effingwishes | November 22, 2012

Gobble Gobble Bah Humbug

I’m failing at this blog a day challenge. But I’ve been introduced to some great NaBloPoMo bloggers so for that I’m grateful.

With it being Thanksgiving and all, I did want to send out a cyber thank you to all my friends and loved ones who read my rambling, listen to my angst, raise their glasses with mine, and laugh at my monkey joke.

My office communicator usually starts documenting the days until Christmas after Labor Day. It’s a date to count down to. The reactions from people is usually pretty humorous. But I’ll let you in on a secret… I effing hate the holidays. I’m not a fan of Christmas. The zillion commercials of the Black Friday sales. Texts about Cyber Monday deals. I don’t care about any of the shopping crap. Christmas Trees lit and decorated always look so pretty but all the memories from across the decades, just make me sad.

I love giving loved ones gifts but we have so much already, and I never plan right, that I usually feel like a slacker. Although I did manage to buy my family’s Christmas gifts back in September! I’m so inconsistent.

There’s a scene in my favorite New Year’s Eve movie, 200 Cigarettes, where Eric rants about how he hates the holidays, hates how they are all bunched together. I can completely relate!

I’m hoping a birthday Vegas weekend will help de-BahHumbug my general December attitude. I don’t know if I would feel better about the holidays if I had someone to share the festivities with but even when I did, I still disliked the holidays. Maybe it wasn’t the right time. All I can do today is be grateful for a roof over my head and loved ones to share the table.

I did win the wish-bone pull against my brother so maybe my wish will come true. Perhaps Love and I will become acquainted again and next year’s Thanksgiving dinner will be held in Nashville. Here’s to wishing…

Posted by: effingwishes | November 14, 2012

A Musical Interlude

I blame a childhood of listening to too much Dr Demento, but sometimes when I am bored I make up silly songs. I thought I would share a couple as today’s NaBloPoMo post.

To the tune of Oh Christmas Tree…
Oh Muffin Top, Oh Muffin Top,
Hanging O’r my Belly
Oh Muffin Top, Oh Muffin Top
Blamin’ PB & Jelly

This little ditty was written with the assistance of my darling BW. Yes it took 2 of us for this one.
On top of ole smokey…
All covered with Queso…
I tripped over a donkey…
And he charged me a Peso.
He took my last Peso…
And placed it Aside…
And now my poor Donkey….
Won’t give me a Ride.

To the tune of White Christmas
I’m dreaming of a Chocolate Martini
Just like the ones I used to Drink
Or a glass of Bourbon
or a Cosmo that’s Urban
Or anything with Vodka that’s Pink.

Posted by: effingwishes | November 13, 2012

A Funny Thing Happened… Part 4…

A Funny Thing Happened On the Way To My Mid-Life Crisis. (a fictional love story in the works)

It takes a while, but sometimes, the Universe does stop shitting on you. At least long enough for you to catch your breath and let your guard down.

A few weeks later, Danielle and I had a moment to get a drink after work. I only agreed to go after I watched her destroy the name plate that had been stashed in the supply cabinet “junk drawer”. She assured me that No one cared or speculated on what did or did not happen between me and Bryan. Even though she was willing to throw a life-time supply of post-it’s my way if I gave her any details. I should have kept the name plate to beat her with. Thankfully, our busiest season was kicking into gear and everyone was moving on to other crap in their own lives.

I had been sitting at my desk one morning thinking about life and the last 7 months. My PC was rebooting and really what else can you do during that time but reexamine your life. I kept picturing all of the stories I had read of people and their mid-life crisises (not sure what the plural to crisis could be). Men buying red sports cars, Women getting random plastic surgery. I hoped that what I was going through wasn’t my mid-life crisis because it was terribly lame and wasted by “society-standards.” Go Big or Go Home, Right?? I was doing neither and I still couldn’t put my finger on what was so wrong with it all. Maybe I needed to hit the car dealership on the way home.

Just as I started to google plastic surgeons and red sports cars, Bryan knocked on my door and asked if we could discuss a contract renewal and pricing recommendation, that I had snuck on his desk without wanting to be seen. We were able to chat about the documentation, like adults, without awkwardness. I didn’t spill anything on him either. I was beginning to think that I had just imagined all of the awkwardness in the first place and things would be fine.

As he got up to leave, I noticed he was humming.  It didn’t take a genius to recognize that he was murdering the tune of Heavy D’s Now That We Found Love.

“Are you seriously humming Heavy D? Was there nothing on TV last night but VH1’s I LOVE THE 90’s – 1991?”

“How do you remember that that song came out in 1991 but you can’t remember my singing it to you that morning?”

“Bryan, I told you I was an 80’s/90’s lyric Savant. I remember everything. I know what you were singing. I’m interested in the Why. Actually it’s better that I’m not interested. Thanks for stopping by.”

“Not to be the girl in this conversation, but you could have called. Things didn’t have to stay “What happens in Vegas….” We could have been potential.”

Wow, he was being “the girl” in this conversation. That was awkward.  I don’t take much seriously, but I do try to adhere to 1 simple life principle as a working single adult: Don’t shit where you eat.

“Someday, let’s have this talk over a drink. Just not now, not here.” Bryan smiled at me, picked up his papers and walked away. I suddenly felt like that muppet who banged his head on the piano because he couldn’t finish the tune to Mary had  A Little Lamb. I put my head on my desk and couldn’t get Heavy D’s voice out of head. Rev me up, Rev me up My little Buttercup. I’m not sure how long I sat there hitting my head against the desk.

To Be Continued…

Where it started:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Posted by: effingwishes | November 12, 2012

Through the eyes of a 16 year old, Part 2

I know I’ve been slacking on my NaBloPoMo posts. My occasional bad judgement sidelined my momentum, but I have several items in draft mode, that should help restore that momentum in the next few days.

In the meantime, I just wanted to follow up to last week’s post on conversations with a 16 year old. I’ve said it before and I’d shout it from the hilltops, my family is amazing. I look at my niece and nephew and can’t wait for them to be adults. They are awesome kids and will be spectacular at whatever they choose to do in life.

I would not travel back in time to relive any moment of my teen years. That’s a big ole Hell No to that one, if the possibility ever arose.

I was chatting with my niece tonight and I found myself thinking that in a lot of ways she is a much stronger teen than I had been. While her common sense may not always be visible, she’s going to stand on her own two feet and be heard by the world.

While I’m just a bystander in it all, at least I can hope she’s wearing one of my good outfits while she’s at it.


Posted by: effingwishes | November 8, 2012

Sleepless Revisited

Is it cheating on the NaBloPoMo to repost an old post? I’ve been thinking about what I would refer to as the ‘Best of Effing Wishes’ and my post from April 20, 2012 wins hands down for me. I’m definitely proudest of this story, so I wanted to give it life one more time.


Sleepless (original link:

I take a deep breath and his scent lingers. A second selfish breath reminds me the scent is only there in my memory. The air in my lungs has no remnants of him. He’s never been in this space. The moonlight dances through the window and around the quiet empty room. No one is here.

I flip the pillow over as if the action will dispel the memory. I roll over and switch sides. I hear his voice in my ear, trying to talk me out of my restlessness. Like the scent, the voice is just a memory. A ghost stopping by to say Hello. A ghost that never says Goodbye.

Forgive me, it must have been the whiskey that invited you over tonight. But the ghost has nothing else to tell me and must have left, taking the scent with him.

I grab the headphones off the nightstand and search for a melody to ease me back to sleep.

Will you be here when I wake up…”

It doesn’t matter what tune comes up really, everything will bring me back to us. The look in his eyes. The curve of his smile. The mischief of our youthful actions and a history of decades so far removed it seems foolish to be here again. Stuck in the loop of where have you gone?

As my breathing starts to slow and settle back into a pre-sleep rhythm, I imagine myself back in the Keys, walking along the shore. Feeling the sun warm my skin, ocean breeze thru my hair, and then the scent. Your scent.

Sometimes I can’t remember how we met or how long you’ve been gone. Sometimes I wonder why the scent lingers when everything else has withered away.

Your voice returns to calm my restlessness. I inhale and can once again smell you and feel your strength envelop me. At least sleeplessness has a benefit when it brings you closer to me.

The alarm rings a short time later and I realize it’s happened again. A visit from a ghost who never existed.

And the day must start again regardless…

Posted by: effingwishes | November 7, 2012

Kindness Challenge

I was caught off guard tonight when a friend just said a simple kind thing to me today. I hadn’t anticipated it and was surprised by how nice it had felt.

It had me thinking on the drive home if I had said anything really nice to anyone today. I know I saw friends and coworkers and people I appreciate. But had I said anything? Had I made any difference in their day? I couldn’t tell and that seems horribly unacceptable.

So my challenge for myself, any NaBloPoMo writers, and for anyone who cares to try tomorrow – is say something Kind to as many people you encounter as possible. Maybe it will make a difference. Maybe the difference will bring a vibe of positive and happiness that we could all use.

We’ll have to see what happens tomorrow!

Posted by: effingwishes | November 6, 2012

Monkeying Around

The other day, my awesome* niece walked into my room to tell me that no one thinks my Monkey Joke is funny.

Whatever! She has no sense of humor.

So since I’m not feeling terribly creative today, today’s NaBloPoMo post is dedicated to monkey jokes that are FAR Worse than mine could ever be! (These have been copy/pasted from googling “monkey jokes”. I’m surprised and frightened by how many sites there are dedicated to Monkey Jokes for Kids.)

What kind of a key opens a banana? (A monkey!)

What did the banana say to the monkey? (Nothing, bananas can’t talk!)

Why did the monkey like the banana? (Because it had appeal!)

What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear? (Anything you want, it can’t hear you!)

What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail? (It won’t be long now.)

What do monkeys do for laughs? (They tell jokes about people!)

Where should a monkey go when he loses his tail? (To a retailer!)

Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle? (There are too many cheetahs there!)

What do you call a monkey at the North Pole? (Very Lost)

And because I know you’re dying to know what MY all time favorite Monkey Joke is… Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? (Because it was Dead.)

11/7 Update: I got a text from mom that she didn’t like that I called my niece a jerk. So I’ve updated the adjective. Because I’m swell like that.

Posted by: effingwishes | November 5, 2012

Spin Me Right Round

After a several week hiatus, I got my arse back to where I needed to be: Spin Class.

I remember when a friend first told me about his new spinning addiction, in the beginning of 2010. I’ve seen people spin on TV and avoided making eye contact with the room when I went to the gym by work. Spin was for people already fit. Then I went to try out the Intro class at SPINclub Mokena. It wasn’t too bad. So I tried the hybrid – 25 minutes of spin, 25 minutes of weight training. I think it took 3 days before I was capable of sitting or moving my legs without whimpering and cursing.

It took a few weeks to get into the swing of it, to become addicted, and to completely admire and adore everyone at SPINclub Mokena. I’ve been spinning since March 2010 and I have never loved an activity more. I feel amazing when I spin. I am an athlete for those 60, 90 or 120 minutes.  I’m going to need to get spin certified because I don’t know how I will live without it once I make the Nashville move!

On the drive home tonight I was thinking about why I took my hiatus in the first place and sharing my journey helps me process (and I need my NaBloPoMo entry), so here goes…

I feel like at my age I should be capable of holding it together. That isn’t always the case. Beginning of October, I had a meltdown. I was a rambling practically-hysterical wacko who owes my friends a ton of gratitude for putting up with me. I retreated into myself because I was ashamed that I still wasn’t capable of always holding it together. Instead of using what makes me feel amazing to get myself together, I took it away. I canceled classes, I canceled plans with friends. I just stood still.

I was Humpty Dumpty and had fallen off the wall but didn’t alert any of the king’s men to help put my dumb ass back together.

Thankfully I had to sense to leave my pity party and start getting it together. Focus on the positive aspects of my life and what positive changes and actions I need to keep myself headed in the right direction. Still reveling in my post-spin endorphin buzz, I know I will be back to my 4-5 class a week schedule!

There’s no guarantee that I’ll always keep it together. I’m sure I’ll continue to stumble more than I would like. I just have to not punish myself for it. We have faults, we have bad days. But if I don’t keep peddling, I’ll never know how far I’m capable of going.

Just hold on loosely but don’t let go

If you cling too tightly

 You’re gonna lose control

Posted by: effingwishes | November 4, 2012

Through the Eyes of a 16 Year Old

I have some of the best conversations about life with my niece. She is so different from how I was at 16. Although I probably shouldn’t, I can say anything to her. We discuss our troubles with boys and she steals my clothing. She’s the little sister I never wanted but love even when she’s a pain in the tuckuss.

Today’s talk started off harmless enough – she had a few questions about my writing. And then spiraled quickly into absurdity when she decided she should be my life coach. The girl who thought BYOB stood for ‘buy your own bread’ is going to help get my life back on track. I’m doomed. I look at it as I’m 33 days away from turning 38, have made good decisions and bad ones, earned my MBA in Finance and 2 post-graduate certifications. My I’m an Adult membership card is worn but it’s earned.  However, her focus is primarily on the last 13 months: my divorce, my dating and my living with my brother and his family.

She had a list of about 17 “suggestions” of what I needed to do in order to turn my life around.  Because I found most of them hysterical I chose to dedicate todays NaBloPoMo post to her advise.

#1) Set My Priorities. I have priorities. They just aren’t typical in the eyes of a 16-year-old. Currently they go something like: Get to Vegas & have a birthday blast, Have a great New Years (preferably by seeing the Music Note drop in Nashville), and have moved to Nashville by end of 1st Quarter 2013.  Everything else will work itself out.

The rest may not be in the correct order since I was thinking about my next Words With Friends move while she rambled.

#2) Stop Taking Vacations. PISH POSH on that!!!  First of all see the sentences above! I’ve got places to go! My father is 72 and racked up more frequent flyer miles in the last decade than I think he ever did in the first 60 years of his life. We are travelers. I’m just getting an earlier start at it.

#3) Don’t Drink Wine. I drink a lot more vodka than wine anyway so this one isn’t totally awful (but still not going to happen).

#4) Purchase a new black ruffle shirt that looks like the one she has already claimed as her own but in a size Large since the XL is too big for the both of us. Why don’t I order it in multiple colors while I am at it?

#5) Read “The Rules: Time Tested Secrets to Getting Mr Right. No. No. No. I don’t agree with rule #2-7, 9-14, and don’t even get me started on #15! Yeah that’s as far as I let her read aloud. Granted my track record with men this year is looking like the KC Chiefs (1-6) but I’m not going to be someone I’m not. I like whiskey and football, 80’s music, and driving my car 2 hours for good wine. “Mr. Right” will just have to find me.

I know there was a lot more helpful advise but I figure recapping this much silliness was enough for the day. I’m grateful she cares enough about me to give me her input. And someday in the future when she’s living in my basement, I’ll be sure to offer my life coach advise for her.

Posted by: effingwishes | November 3, 2012

In the Beginning

I can’t believe I started rambling here in April 2010. That definitely seems like a lifetime ago.

So for today’s post, I wanted to go back to where it started. The first writing I did when I thought of the notion of “Why is there Never Cake in the Fridge.”

Click on the link to jump to that first post, Be Careful What You Wish For.

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »